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Plumb Dumb Confessions

 

When someone asks me if I want to do something

and the answer is I can’t or I don’t want to,

I do this thing where instead of telling them

I can’t, sometimes I just don’t respond. And I do

this other thing which involves me squirelling

into couch cushions with a 700-page book

when the day isn’t going great. I also do other

aggravating things that my family & friends

will list for you at their leisure if you ask them.

Something no one knows that I do is prepare

toasts in my head for the weddings of friends

while I drive alone in my car, even for the friends

who aren’t in relationships. Sometimes I eat melon

for dinner out of pure laziness, standing over the sink

and scooping, scooping. I fall for people so easily

I have to hold on to my spandex every time

a cute young girl  with a cool shirt walks into yoga class.

I paint my toenails so rarely that when I do

I shellac them with at least three coats so

they’ll stay pretty for months. I only shower

like twice a week and I never know which direction

is north or how to fix it when my bicycle chain

falls off of where it’s supposed to be. Plus, I still

don’t really know how to use my cell phone fully

and I use emoticons definitely too much.

To top it all off, this morning I woke up singing Beyoncé

and then I tried to write a poem inspired by Beyoncé

which was obviously a terrible failure and now

you know a handful of my plumb dumb traits.