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Plumb Dumb Confessions
When someone asks me if I want to do something
and the answer is I can’t or I don’t want to,
I do this thing where instead of telling them
I can’t, sometimes I just don’t respond. And I do
this other thing which involves me squirelling
into couch cushions with a 700-page book
when the day isn’t going great. I also do other
aggravating things that my family & friends
will list for you at their leisure if you ask them.
Something no one knows that I do is prepare
toasts in my head for the weddings of friends
while I drive alone in my car, even for the friends
who aren’t in relationships. Sometimes I eat melon
for dinner out of pure laziness, standing over the sink
and scooping, scooping. I fall for people so easily
I have to hold on to my spandex every time
a cute young girl with a cool shirt walks into yoga class.
I paint my toenails so rarely that when I do
I shellac them with at least three coats so
they’ll stay pretty for months. I only shower
like twice a week and I never know which direction
is north or how to fix it when my bicycle chain
falls off of where it’s supposed to be. Plus, I still
don’t really know how to use my cell phone fully
and I use emoticons definitely too much.
To top it all off, this morning I woke up singing Beyoncé
and then I tried to write a poem inspired by Beyoncé
which was obviously a terrible failure and now
you know a handful of my plumb dumb traits.