“I am drunk but miss you all the time”
Sometimes nonpoets
write better poems
than poets
Sometimes nonpoets
write better poems
than poets
I told a story about you the other day. It was more beautiful
not to say you were dead. I spoke your name as if new tales
of you were still developing, as if you’d undergone more
haircuts, more nights, more cups of coffee. You don’t speak
to any of us anymore; you’ve turned boys I knew into men
with your photograph on the wall. Two years later, you’re still
the best-looking person in the room full of faces I’ll never see
again, though the image of your arm slung around the neck
of a friend, the other hand holding a drink or drumming on
the nearest table, is as near as breath to the body, even nearer.
I went to Chicago last weekend, or at least I think I did. I got a cold pretty soon after arriving and as the days went on I got foggier and foggier. It felt like I was peering out of two small telescopes from inside my body. And now that I’m back in San Diego, where it’s 75 degrees…the whole thing feels even more like a dream. A dream where
I flew on an airplane with writers from San Diego and drank bloody Marys
then ate a pizza so thick it reminded me why they’re called pizza pies
then got picked up outside the pizza restaurant by Eric Suffoletto in a blue Lexus
and we drove to a bar with thick curtains attached to the ten-foot ceilings and drank cocktails fit for a princess at a picnic
and afterwards we drove through a scene from “The Dark Night”
then Katie Conway arrived and we ate green curry with scallops and bought tights and tissues at CVS
and I heard Nikki Giovanni talk in a big room with chandeliers and she reminded me about surrounding myself only with people who love me
and there were a lot of hip people selling books with confusing poems inside
and I ate French fries with brie and mushrooms on top
and it was my birthday
and everyone was calling me but I couldn’t talk
and Ilya Kaminsky sang happy birthday to me and it was a hilarious treasure
and I rode the el and took a taxi cab and wore a turtleneck and various hats
and named Katie’s boyfriend “the maestro of love” and drank wine in the hotel room
and it was flurrying and freezing and the wind was coming from every direction
and I met the woman who wrote the poem about herpes in the Beloit Poetry Journal and I told her she was doing an important thing for the world
and I bought books and journals or took them off tables
and Kate Gale was there and we sat in taupe armchairs and talked and she said hello to a dozen famous people whose names I knew but not the faces
and there was a secret present from Misha snuck into my bag
and on the train it was snowing and Dean was hungover and Jen had so many bags she looked like a vagabond Amazon with fancy belts
and the guy at security took my lotion away
and outside the airport San Diego was hot and over-bright as if lit by bulbs stolen from the rest of the country and there’s Misha in our car waving like he does with one hand raised up, not moving, just raised in hello
***
Listening to Fleet Foxes, working hard all day on readings & poems & projects so that when Sam & Caity arrive on Tuesday I will do nothing but be with them.
Oh and San Diegans–I’m reading next Saturday night at a gallery called Agitprop, at 7pm. It’s not happening in my yard and it’s not related to SDSU–it’s like, a real reading! Please come if you live here. I’ll be selling mini chapbooks (one of the aforementioned projects getting finished today in preparation for my visitors).
(And so much thanks to Lorraine for inviting me to read. Makes me feel like a real poet.)
Max is also a Pisces
He hands me the astrology book while reading my “Lovepoem” out loud
My photograph is on the refrigerator
This is my first time at their apartment and my photograph is on the wall
At midnight a blonde girl lights my sparkler after two minutes of matches
Sam in her black turtleneck with a small cup of water and grooving
Kathryn dancing with her hair
Mallory on the couch getting the scoop
In Andrew’s room the bed is stripped
Max makes coffee and the room is mugged
No taxis in all of Brooklyn, no taxis in all of New York
After 4am I’m not especially human
Math and sleep are both about the numbers
This year, again, is all about the words
girl you have way too many
jackets & too many of those
girly bows as headgear but rest
assured i’ll hold a broken down
umbrella over us as our hairs
grow big & frazzled and the spittle
of the rain delivered on the wind
strums our faces like a set of bitten
teenage fingernails touching
grandpa’s heirloom fiddle