At Peet’s Coffee & Tea, San Diego, CA
Two trannies play a game
of pattie-cake
at the back corner table
Two trannies play a game
of pattie-cake
at the back corner table
as stepping off the train from someplace north
into the streets of midtown Manhattan and goodness
all the business women in their golden spires
of hair and heel and midday men with navy pocket
squares, even the children stop to stare at my patterned
country dress, my weak-tied ponytail. My duffel builds
a crease against my elbow’s hook—somewhere
in there, laid along the clothing and the slippers,
a jar of honey for a friend tilts and leaks, and the hive
at home goes on buzzing, run by a queen and the laws
of servitude, oh even the unemployed are dressed
in red and ready in New York, and I am standing
waiting for my ride, eyed by a policeman on the corner
like a villain sent from someplace blessed with vaster
spaces, and the taxis throw themselves with vigor
at the color green, and the city sky is purpling to black
with neon signs winking sales in capitals and every redhead
in the city is out here walking, no wait, shoving, past.
I spend the days deciding
on a commemorative poem.
Not, luckily, an epitaph.
A quiet poem
to establish the fact of me.
As one of the incidental faces
in those stone processions.
Carefully done.
Not claiming that I was
at any of the great victories.
But that I volunteered.
A dog sits in a car
alone, sneezing.
Today is my last day of classes. Most significantly, today is the last day of the intro to creative writing class I’ve been teaching this semester. I will miss my class; they made me laugh & taught me about the Fibonacci sequence. They worked hard and wrote risky poems. We all have to recite a poem in honor of the last day, and then they will hand in their portfolios, and then I will want to hug them all, but I will not. And I will begin by reciting this, by James Schuyler:
The night is quiet
as a kettle drum
the bullfrog basses
tuning up. After
swimming, after sup-
per, a Tarzan movie,
dishes, a smoke. One
planet and I
wish. No need
of words. Just
you, or rather,
us. The stars tonight
in pale dark space
are clover flowers
in a lawn the expanding
universe in which
we love it is
our home. So many
galaxies and you my
bright particular,
my star, my sun, my
other self, my bet-
ter half, my one
Joe Brainard (painter, collagist, writer) loved pansies so much. He cut them out of everywhere. He collaged them onto pages, in to entire books, which he kept and gave as presents to people like James Schuyler (I’ve seen them in the archives at UCSD–they’re beautiful; they’re shiny and layered, dozens and dozens of PANSIES).
His love of pansies (and flowers in general) reminds me of how I’ve always wanted to love football. Or the “Twilight” books. Or skateboarding. I want so badly to love something so simple, something that other people love so much. It’s incredibly appealing, the idea that there’s some new thing out there to get all excited about–I want to love these things; they are so available and other people love them and I would like to join in on that. But I can’t tell where the goddamn ball is on that huge field, even with the camera telling me where to look. And Bella is SO boring to read about. And I’m afraid of falling off a skateboard and hurting my knees.
Joe Brainard got something right with his love of flowers. He was a normal, human person like the rest of us, and by that, I mean that he was self-conscious and sensitive and he wasn’t sure he was ever doing the right thing. He made art and he tried his best to do days well. He wanted to be loved and he wanted to be known, and not as a celebrity. He loved flowers, especially pansies, and he found them everywhere. He collected and saved them. He saved them for himself, but also portioned them out to people he loved. People learned this about him and so sent him stationery with pansies on it. People learned what he loved and then there was more of pansies in his life, and voila: more of love.
for Aaron Abubo
There are a lot of things boys got to
that I didn’t.