Magazine articles for ladies (list I made while laughing).

These articles don’t exist yet because maybe they don’t have to be written because maybe just their titles are enough. I came up with them in a rush of hilarity one day last week. It was way too easy. Can I make a career out of this? Show me the money!

8 Ways To Tell If You Fell Asleep Or If You’re Still Watching That Movie

Seven Ways To Wear Your Hair That Will Convince People You Definitely Have Hair

Top 10 Best Books To Read While Pooping

Twenty-Seven Hotties To Think About While the Gynecologist Does Her Thang Down There

Six Sexy Songs To Make Your Sex Sexier and Songier

“I Can’t Calculate That”: One Woman’s True Story of Trying to Figure Out How Many Tampons She Has Used In Her Whole Life

The Best Dog Breeds For Keeping Your Secrets

Do the Dougie, Or Don’t: Women Confess Their Sad True Tales of Dancing Really Bad

How To Eat Garlic For Dinner And Still Get Banged That Night

Best Ways To Integrate Your Sad Childhood Stuffed Animals Into Foreplay

10 Fruits That Will Make You Say, “Wow, Fruit Is Good!”

Classiest Slutty Wedding Dresses

Six Nailpolishes That Scream “I’m Hungry!”

“Yoga Takes Forever”: One Woman’s Story of Downward Dog Boredom

5 Easy (& Photogenic!) Weekday Recipes That Are Actually Just Take-Out Placed in a Pricey Bowl from Anthropologie

7 Kittens That Will Make You Puke and Never Want To See a Kitten Again

“Armpit Chapbooks” (poem out loud!).

Armpit Chapbooks (click to listen)


Some people didn’t even want to be poets

but their moms were poets or they know famous poets

so they get really published. I’m not jealous

I’m just observing. I have really big hair

which I’m proud of and impresses even me

and I’m the one it grows on. Now in the first comment

about poets I’m not impressed with not trying

and in my second comment about hair growth

I’m quite taken with what happens with no effort.

I guess what I’m learning about myself is

it’s easier to grow hair than get rid of jealousy.

But probably everyone knew that already so

what’s the point of poems anyway,

hair is better.